Hi it's 22:34 and we had a little fight.
I realized as the time running, we often bicker regardless how small or big the problem is. Personally, I really think 1 year is a very short period of time to prepare mentally and physically for a marriage. Imagine to become a 23 year old working young lady who is going to tie a knot with the man she loves and probably will give birth by 25 (if He wills, Aminn), so theoretically and technically everything should be in her head since her degree year in order to be the best wife and mother for her future family. Can anyone tell me who else really think about having a baby in her 20s?? People may say "you're too young for this" "it's time for you to have fun with your friends now" but it's just in my head!! If only I can get rid those in every corner of my brain I would love to but instead I'm glad that Allah has given me the chance to know how it feels and learn a lot of things when I start thinking of having a family. There must be a definite reason why He let me to meet a man named Hazri back then. After all these years I prayed that once I've met a man I don't want to waste time and immediately get married. Few man have come to my life then but all of them gone (to be precise I get rejected lol) soon as I started to do istikharah. I kinda upset and give up so I asked Allah to forbid me any intimate feelings towards men after that because I feel desperate and worthless. I vividly remember the moment a couple of days after I make the dua, Hazri came and I've been thinking why Allah? I said I don't want anymore. After few weeks of knowing him I asked if he wanted to be serious cause I wanna get married bruh if you don't want ok I step back lah mcm tuhh. Then he agreed on me (don't know if that time he is into me or what but I take that as a promise lah) so we proceed with him meeting with my parents. A month after, he fetched me at the airport and the rest is history..
Thinking back of how it all happened, everything is too fast. The timeline somehow looks like few weeks getting know each other (Feb 2019), then meet our parents (Apr 2019), 1 year later we had the merisik (Aug 2020), going to have the engagement next year (Sep 2021) and in Shaa Allah 6 months later get married (2022). We planned but Allah also plans right? Indeed He is the best planner. Whenever the anxiety kicks in I'm so afraid of losing Hazri because he is kind to me and I like his family too. Everything is so average about him. That's what I like the most. I always pray if Allah can lend me to spend a longer time with him and to have kids who can pray for us when we die. That's all I asked. I'm sorry if it's too much to asked for You. Indeed, You're the most forgiving and You love to forgive so please forgive me.
Alhamdulillah, till next time.